How to Survive a Horror Movie Vol I
by Dragons Chaotica
Summary: Edo, Jun, Dragonheart my OC and Jasmine have been transported to the terrorverse. Jun and Edo are Horror movie buffs, and know how to survive, but can they put it all together and escape? Suggestive content at times, not much, but, hey, warning alert.
1. StrongSilent Type Slasher

Me: New story. Now vote on my poll!

Jun: _Wow_, pu_shy_.

Edo: She doesn't own anything. This is based off of the awesome book "How to Survive a Horror Movie" By Seth Grahame-Smith. Meaning that I'm using each page of his books rules, and making the poor characters suffer. I Will also include bits of random horror movies, both B and otherwise.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Edo and Jun were simply laying on Edo's boat with their respective girlfriends, Dragonheart, and Jasmine. When Sartorius (Possessed by the dark light) Jumped out and blasted them with a ray, whilst laughing manically.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jasmine came to first. "Urgh, where _are _we?"

When the others started coming around, they noticed they were in a car with several people they didn't know….A van, to be more precise.

"Jun? What's wrong?" Edo asked in concern, seeing his fried go even paler than usual while looking out a window.

"I think we need to think about where we are. Everything's…_blue_!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_The environment should offer some clues. If you're on a crowded street in broad daylight, you're probably safe (for now). But if you're anywhere remote---the woods, an old house, an abandoned mental institution in the middle of a blackout---then yes, your chances of being in a horror movie are much higher. How the location looks and sounds can be helpful, too:_

_**Does everything look slightly grainy? **__This could indicate that you're being shot on film. Or that you're developing cataracts. Either way, not good._

_**Is it poorly lit? **__Is everything bathed in a bright blue light even though it's supposed to be nighttime? Are there shadowy corners that you should be able to se into but can't?_

_-C- elsewhere_

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

Edo joins Jun in looking out the window. As his surprise sets in, strange background music starts up.

"Shit, Jun! We're in a horror movie! Everything's all, grainy, and though it's night, everything is glowing blue!"

As they pause to take in the gravity of the situation, the gothic chick in the spot next to Edo slides her hand up his thigh. "Calm down sweetie." she purrs, before adding " I think I might like you, you know what they say about freaks."

Edo proceeds to unbuckle his seat belt and prepare to open the vans sliding door.

"You should sit down." A handsome boy driving the van says worriedly, "If I hit a bump you could be hurt."

Jun takes one look around the van and says "We're sooo screwed."

Dragonheart looks back worriedly from the front seat, "Why?"

Jun raises his hand for silence. And directs his next statement to the kind teenager driving the van "What's your name?"

"Matt. Why?

"Just Matt?"

"Yeah, my parents liked Matt, but not Matthew, sooo, just Matt!" Matt chirps

"As before mentioned, screwed."

Jasmine looks up from her place in the backseat between two African American people. "Why, are we screwed?"

Jun gestures at the other five occupants of the van. He gestures first at Matt, then the Goth, then a mean looking guy, and the two African-Americans. " The nice guy with the monosyllabic name, the slutty Goth chick, and the ever popular racist/jerk, and the common ethnic stereotype, the black guy, and his girlfriend."

Edo glances at the jerk and snorts. "We don't need to deal with this one for long." He says amusedly "He's wearing a varsity red leather jacket. He'll be dead before the second act, definitely a slasher film."

And then the scenery warped strangely, ditching them in a small town, surrounded by a heavy wooded area.

"Where are we now?" Dragonheart asks in a panic

Edo and Jun exchange a coded look.

"Small town and heavily wooded, dead-ringer for a Strong-Silent type slasher."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_The most common horror movie predator, Slasher (One who slashes). Each of their killing techniques beauty lies in simplicity. Every motion is meant for extermination. There are five different types, all need different skills to defeat._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"Right you are Edo. I think we should explain a few rules to the girls, before we move on."

"Rules?" Jasmine asks worriedly.

Edo raises a finger "Actually, the Seven Deadly sins of the Terrorverse."

"Terrorverse!"

Jun begins.

"The first, is **Doubt**. If you don't believe what's happening, you die. So if you think the portraits eyes are moving, tell someone, 'cause they are. And if they don't believe you, and they're with us, they'll be dead before the end credits. If you tell someone something and they respond with: _It was just a dream, I've heard enough out of you! Or, Those are just ghost stories our parents told us. _We have major problems."

Edo chimes in

"The second is **Machismo. **This is just for me and Jun, so if we say anything like this, make us stop and think about it: _You want some of this?, You're perfectly safe as long as we're around, or Shut up and make me some eggs before you get a black eye._ If either of us say the last one, hit us. Neither of us are abusive, and deserve what we get if that happens."

Jun brings in the third

"The third is **Independence. **We need to stay together. If we don't we die horrible painful deaths. You know, like the nature documentaries where the wildebeests are torn apart by crocodiles and lions, 'cause they went to far away from the heard? That'll be us if we separate. This isn't Scooby-Doo. If any of us says 'we can cover more ground if we split up.' mention that we forgot to insert 'with blood' between 'ground' and 'if'. So anything that is like: _Screw you guys I'm going home, C'mon you guys this isn't funny. _Is now bad."

"The fourth" Edo states "Is **Ugliness. **We're going to skip that one, because it doesn't apply to any of you, and Jun insists it doesn't apply to me."

"The fifth" He continues "is **Curiosity. **Remember girls, Investigation = Mutilation. If you hear a noise, run. It's NOT a coincidence. It's something waiting to eat your face. Anything like: _Is that you…..(Insert anything here), I wonder what that creepy old…..(insert anything) looks like inside, OR…. Do you think its dead?_ Just so you know, if you say the last one, our response is _No. Go ahead and poke it with a stick, we want to watch it grab your arm and bite half your face off."_

Jun rolls his eyes before stating the sixth.

"The sixth is **Irresponsibility. **If you're supposed to be doing something, do it, or we all die. If your supposed to watch a kid, stare at it all night. If your keeping watch, keep watch, no naps."

"The seventh is **Vehicular Sex. **Yes I know its vulgar, but if you have to do it, find a respectable place. Vehicles get you killed. Seriously. That's how the majority of camp councilors die you know…**"**

"And by the way." Edo begins speaking once more. "There is a list of places to NEVER go. Like: _Rooms lit by a single hanging bulb, Rooms lit by nothing, Any graveyard that isn't Arlington National Cemetery, Summer camps whose annual councilor murder rate exceeds 10%, Maine, The old (Insert anything), Hotels/Motels that aren't part of a giant international chain, Upstairs, Downstairs, any log cabin on the face of the earth."_

The girls nod their heads shakily.

"And all of that is necessary?" Jasmine asks, with a quivering voice.

"Yes" Jun says gently.

"You said something about a strong-silent type, earlier?" Dragonheart asks "I don't get it."

"They're a type of slasher, that inhabit places like this. They move faster than we can sprint and they usually wear masks and coveralls. Plus they usually never speak, whether for psychological reasons or 'cause their vocal chords are decomposing, I do not know." Edo shrugs off the last bit, before starting again "They also have no pain receptors, they take being shot, stabbed and dismembered in stride. Their weapons of choice are butcher knives and machetes."

"Then how do we beat them" The girls ask is a scared fashion.

Jun smiles and nods. "I know it sounds hopeless, but there are ways." He says gently. "You outsmart them. They are single-minded. So just trap, and kill. And by kill I mean crush them with a hydraulic press, run 'em through a wood chipper, and feed the leftovers to puppies. Or just burn them, ya know, like in _Twilight_, I know you've seen that one."

The girls nod.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

After mutual discussion, they decide the best way to get out of Terrorverse, is to play along. So they continue into the little town.

Halfway there, thy meet a nice young man who offers to let them stay the night at his motel. They refuse, claiming they are staying with a family friend.

"_We need to make them think that people will miss us if we're gone."_ As Jun put it.

As they continued on, they became aware of a gradual darkening of their surroundings.

"Should we be going this way?" Dragonheart finally questions

This prompts Edo to look around worriedly. "No, we shouldn't. Jun, we should go back and hang around the all night bar back there. Witnesses and light. It's our safest bet." he says as he wraps his arm around Dragonheart's frail shoulders," Don't worry so much, I can't say we're safe, but I'll do my best to protect you." He murmurs against her hair.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The four make it to the bar and carefully find seats. Ordering water, and making sure to stay away from caffeine.

"_Yeah it gives you energy, till you crash and fall asleep, more tired than you were before." _As Edo put it.

Before the night was done, a man in coveralls and bee netting around his face entered.

The bartender gave him his drink without the other man needing to speak.

After taking a few sips of his drink, which confused the quartet as he didn't remove the netting. (Ahhh! Kakashi skills in a slasher!) He walked over to the four and stared creepily. It took our heroes a moment to realize that there was no one else in the bar, and the Bartender had gone in back.

The man pulled a knife and slashed at Dragonheart who dodged back with a scream.

The others tried to get him to look away long enough for her to get a decent distance away, but the creature was single-minded in his attack.

Finally, Edo grabbed a bottle of whisky from behind the bar, and doused the man with it, before Jun lit a match he had found, also behind the bar, and lit him on fire.

As he burnt, the surroundings once again distorted, and they found themselves, again, in a new place.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sorry if its not too hot, READ AND REVIEW! And vote on my profile poll. Next installment coming soon!


	2. Gamesman Slasher

Me: Yay! 'nother chappie.

Edo: And she's lost what few brain cells she had…

Jun: She wishes she owned anything!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The four look around once more only to find that they are on a pier, surrounded by warehouses. The sun is half-way down, and the sky is red. The sea seems turbulent, and the water is dark.

"Where are we now" Dragonheart asks fretfully, while cautiously inching closer to Edo. If that was possible, she was really close already.

Jun narrows his eyes. "Warehouse district? Again, bad."

Jasmine whips around to face them rather than staring over the sea. "Why? What lives here?"

Jun cocks his head to the side. "I can't remember. Edo?"

"It reminds me of the areas they shot _SAW_ in. But I can't be sure."

"Sooo, the gamesman you think?"

"Probably."

The girls look confused for a moment before asking what a gamesman is.

"Another type of slasher." Edo explains "They seem to have a superiority complex. They play games with you to lower your self-worth, then kill you horribly. They like to use surgical instruments, and overbuilt torture devices."

"Surgical instruments?"

"Torture devices!"

"Yeeeah…" Jun stresses slowly.

"How do you beat them?" Dragonheart asks, confident that there is an answer.

"It's hard, and a little risky.." Jun says slowly "But you need to ask a bunch of stupid questions."

"Stupid questions?" Jasmine questions

"Like if they tell you to sever your hand with a Swiss army knife, ask what attachment they want you to use. Or ask if they want you to start at your fingers and work up. Stuff like that. It lowers them to your level, and they don't like to be there."

"Why is it risky?" Dragonheart asked

Edo answered her "'Cause, they'll either screw up, and it will allow you to get away, or they'll plug a .45 in your skull."

".45 Like the GUN!" Jasmine squeaked

Jun nodded calmly "Yup."

And then they sat down to wait on what was to happen next.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

They were only vaguely aware of having been moved. Apparently the mist on the ground wasn't a movie effect…It was knockout gas.

Dragonheart woke up in a room with Jasmine. There wasn't much special about it. A cot, sink, toilet, and no door. Looking up, they noticed a trapdoor in the ceiling, and a remote controlled blade that seemed to swing over if they tried to move the door to escape.

A small television in the corner crackled to life, startling the two occupants in the room, since they hadn't known it was there.

A man in a red mask with black swirls on the cheeks was shown on the screen.

"Welcome ladies." He cackled "To the Chateau Pain. The two men in your little group get to work out how to get to you, before your oxygen runs out!" He cackled. "See, if they run out of time, you die. Not that they have a good chance of living either. I'll even be nice and let you watch." His maniacal laughter faded from the screen, and his mask was replaced with the image of Jun and Edo, walking around a room, and trying to see where they were.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The voice crackled over the stereo again "They're awake, now we can begin!"

And with that, the door swung open, allowing the two males to see into a long dark hallway.

Jun looked sadly at his best friend "Guess we need to play along for now.."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dragonheart grabbed the trapdoor and pulled as hard as she could. Just as it opened, the blade swung across and she was forced to fall back to the floor or be rent in half.

"You shouldn't do that!" The voice said. "I see you doing it, and push the little button in my hand to trigger the blade. Maybe you should keep trying! Maybe your blood is as beautiful as the rest of you!" And then it was gone.

"We need to wait until he isn't paying attention.."Jasmine whispered.

And the girls returned to the television screen

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Feed your blood to the machine."

"How?"

"Cut yourself."

"With what?"

"The glass!"

"How?"

"Slit your wrist!"

"Why?"

"To save your girlfriends!"

"I have a girlfriend? What's her name?"

"It's….It's… I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU HAVE ONE!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Thirteen minutes later the quartet was again experiencing the distortion of the world, as they escaped from the building.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Next chapter coming soon!


	3. Slasher wrap up and babysitting

Me: I updated 'Questionnaire' yester…night. So today I'll begin a new chapter in this one. Since nobody is reading it, as of yet I am less compelled to continue writing it, but frankly, I get to be as screwy as I want for this so I'm gonna continue.

Edo: She don't own anything.

* * *

As it turned out, the four wound up outsmarting a half-retarded hillbilly next. Jun's time to shine, he easily out crazies the slasher, and they warped again, leading to the Wisecracker. Dragonheart remembered the cardinal rule of defeating the slasher, and won the round by repeating 'I don't get it.' a phenomenal amount of times. They warped once more and found themselves in Mammas-Boy Slasher territory.

To say it amused them when Edo stopped the boy from killing him by simply holding up his hands and saying 'Hang on a sec.' would be an understatement. When Edo proceeded to ask the man out clubbing, they got confused. And when Edo prompted them to help him find a hot guy at said club, they became worried.

"A hot what?" Jun had asked

"Guy. I need to find one quickly."

"Now is not the time to be exploring your sexuality again, Phoenix. Especially not with your girlfriend here."

Edo fixed his friend with a droll stare. "Jun, not for me. I need to bribe someone to flirt with him so we can get away."

"Why not a girl?"

"He wants a guy, trust me."

At which point Jasmine had snickered something about a gaydar, Dragonheart had smacked her over the head hissing something involving the words, knew, already and bisexual, and proceeded to point out a super-model-esque man in the corner.

Phoenix easily glided over, within minutes, the man was charmed enough to flirt with the slasher, and the world was distorting again.

* * *

The weather was hot and sticky, the sun was high in the sky, and for a moment the quartet thought they had escaped. Until Alexis Bledel walked out of one of the Sleep away Camps cabins. Phoenix mumbled something about summer vacation, and the world switched once more.

* * *

"And be sure to give Timmy his insulin!" The beautiful woman chirped. "You should get that by now, right Edward? Because of your diabetes?"

Edo proceeded to tell her his name was _Edo _not _Edward _but figured it a lost cause. "Why would I know? What do you mean, diabetes?"

The woman laughed "Hiring you four was an excellent idea. Trustworthy teenagers to watch over my special children. And Edward, you're so funny, like you could forget about your medical condition for a moment. Do remember your insulin on the table as well. And remember, Timmy's diabetic, Miranda's deaf, Charlotte is blind, Daniel is mute and my poor Freddy is blind, deaf, mute and diabetic. Good day children, I'll be home at midnight!" And she flounced out the door.

Edo paused for a moment and then held up his wrist, revealing a thin silver chain holding a small silver plate, with a stylized image of two snakes twined around a pole with wings. He then proceeded to curse so foully that Jun blushed.

"Blind, deaf, mute and diabetic? Did she purposely mess with this kid?" Jasmine asked "He sounds like a medical disaster. As she spoke she turned to see a little blond girl staring intently at her.

"Oh, hello sweetie, who are you?"

The little girl smiled creepily before "Hello, lady. My name is Charlotte."

The other children appeared to be in the living room. And ignoring the blind girls strange tendencies of being able to stare at you without speaking, everything seemed okay. Until the phone rang…

"Should we get that?" Dragonheart asked softly.

"NO!" Jun roared, inadvertently frightening the children that could hear. After calming them down, Jun disappeared for a moment and returned.

"What did you do?"

"Shut and locked all windows and doors, plus turned on every light I could find. Keep all of the kids here."

Jasmine looked at him incredulously "How'd you know it was okay to run around the house?"

"The home phone is on the fridge, that was the mothers cell. She didn't leave a message."

The phone rang again.

Edo, being closest, checked the caller ID.

"That can't be right…" He mused "It's coming from the home phone…"

"I've seen movies like this before." Jun said gravely "We only need to make it through the night."

"Why the phone?" Jasmine asked warily

Jun fixed her with a look, but Edo replied first "It's the killer in another part of the house trying to freak us out." he said "Don't worry, just keep an eye on the kids and we'll be good."

And six hours later, standing with the kids outside of a smoldering wreak of the house, they were. And the world distorted again.

* * *

**READ! REVIEW! VOTE ON MY POLL!**


	4. Haunted House

**Me: Okay, its been a while…PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME! **

**Edo: She's been too busy to think. Give her a break.**

**Jun: And she has the internet back up at her place, sooo. Wheeeee!**

**Jasmine:…..Jun….Are you okay?**

**Jun: Sorry, I enjoy haunted houses. I'm good, just wanted to see how y'all would react.**

**Dragonheart: On that note, Chaotica owns me, but not ****Yu-Gi-Oh GX ****or ****How To Survive A Horror Movie****, which belongs to Seth Grahame-Smith.**

* * *

"Okay, where are we now?" Dragonheart sighed

After a quick look around, a short walk from the house in broad daylight, and an hour running around the house with Jun, and….sticking…his arm in the…fridge? Edo answered "It appears to be a haunted house, luckily it's an old model so I got that idea immediately, I had to do some tests before I could answer you though. Sorry."

Jasmine looked at him strangely for a moment "Old model? So what we're in the Model T of houses?"

Edo blinked, he might be good with the paranormal, but he was just thankful he could differentiate between the Impala and Jaguar symbols. "No, its one of the Old-Victorian-Houses-With-Uncut-Lawn-And-Freakishly-Large-Weather-Vane old models."

Dragonheart sighed "What tests did you run?"

"Why, the haunted ten of course!" Jun said sarcastically.

"So we don't know that one either, care to explain?"

Edo smiled softly at his girlfriend for a moment before replying with "We can't leave before defeating it or we'll be stuck here forever. But it's still daylight, so we can walk around a bit longer, we'll just show you."

And thus began the tour of the haunted ten.

* * *

Their first stop was in the kitchen, where it was discovered, blood, not water came out, this was repeated in the shower.

The next stop was the in-house library with a conveniently placed clipping about one occupant of the house being violently murdered, and the rest committing suicide because they…wanted to join the first one? Whatever.

Then they took turns walking into rooms, facing the door, turning back around and seeing all furniture moved around.

After this, Edo stood with the girls in the upstairs observatory, while Jun went downstairs and stuck his arm in the fridge. The girls were shocked that his arm appeared to the right of the window in the room they were in. Huh, so Edo hadn't lost it…

Next, Jun led them to the attic and slowly opened the door to reveal two small Civil War era children playing.

As they made their way back downstairs, the words 'GET OUT' were carved several times in the walls, banisters, and in smoke on a mirror. All before their eyes.

About halfway down the stairs, Edo mentioned the stairs needing new carpeting and the banisters needing new paint, and hey, for the hell of it, why not take out that wall and make a kitchen-dining room combo? They began to see their own breath.

At the bottom of the stairs, Jun asked them all if they were tempted to murder anyone with an ax. Their were a few…interesting answers. Thankfully, no ones name was identical to anyone standing in the haunted house.

They then needed to take a break to answer the door. Opening the old oak door revealed a Native American with a scowl on his face. "What have you done to our graveyard?" They closed the door after apologizing and explaining they had nothing to do with the house, other than a brief stay.

They were lost for a moment when Jun pointed at a candelabra and states "See? Evil."

* * *

"Well that was interesting." Jasmine said slowly "But what were the tests?"

Edo sighed

**"1. Do the faucets or showerheads bleed.**

**2. Did the previous owners die as a result of a murder or suicide**

**3. Does furniture rearrange itself when you aren't looking**

**you reach into the refrigerator, does your arm appear in another part of the house**

**5. Are there Civil War-era children playing in your attic**

**6. Does the house issue verbal or written warnings**

**7. Does the temperature suddenly plummet if you discuss remodeling**

**8. Do you feel more compelled to murder your family with an ax than usual**

**9. Are Native Americans constantly showing up to ask "What happened to our cemetery?"**

**10. Does the house contain any candelabras. **

And that, coupled with the houses appearance and the fact that our address is 000666. Led me to believe we were in a haunted house." Edo finished

"SO it's haunted. What do we do now?" Jasmine asked.

Jun blinked at her "Suns down, now we leave."

"WHAT!"

"Well its that or a gruesome death, so, yeah, leaving."

Dragonheart looked confused. "Soo, do we use the cellar, or the front door…."

"We maintain our current position on the first floor, we're crashing through the window in the sitting room." Edo replied

"Why the window?"

"Cause the door will probably kill us."

"Okay.'

* * *

The hallway never stopped. It just kept getting longer. The guys instructed them to close their eyes and feel their way down the hallway, and they were promptly sucked to the ceiling.

After a few minutes and an impromptu performance of Lionel Richie's 'Dancing on the Ceiling, they were vomited out the door and they ran in a straight line away from the house, never looking back as the world warped again.

* * *

**Did ja like it? Read And REVIEW! And please, vote on my poll if you have time, there is always one their and options for my next story.**


	5. Evil Vehicles

Me: Another installment of, How to survive a horror movie!

Edo: She owns nothing but she asks all readers to check out her profile poll. (One is always there) Thank you.

* * *

They were sitting in a car.

Seriously. A CAR.

And according to Jasmine it was a very nice car, just like the one they drove in one of the few horror movies she had ever seen 'Christine'. When questioned about it she replied that the vehicle appeared to be a red and white 1958 Plymouth Fury.

When they pointed out they wanted to know what the movie was about she replied with the last thing anyone wanted to hear.

"It's about a possessed car that kills people. It was a frigging great movie though."

As it so happened, Neither Jun or Edo stuck to the stereotypical image of men. They hated sports, preferring single and recreational things. Hang gliding and such. And in Jun's case, running. Neither were in to hunting. Edo was a vegetarian, Jun may occasionally feel the need to kill something, but takes the less messiest option for his OCD mind and uses video games.

Come to think of it, they didn't pay the majority of video games other people played either, barring a few random Cabala's games (Everyone eventually needs to take out a small furry animal for no reason. This saves the population, and money for hunting tags, and Jun and Edo from nervous meltdowns, Neither are fond of anything messy.) And the odd addition of Oregon Trail, They stuck to Classic Mario, one fight game, which the name escaped them, but it was fun to play against each other on. And both had a strange liking for pitting Yoshi against Pikachu and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

And a very old model of Zelda.

They didn't watch the vast majority of half naked women running around getting blown up, action movies. Or quite a few of the racier slasher films. They want blood! Not porn, dammit!

Frankly, while they loved horror movies, blood wasn't something they liked in overabundance, gore wasn't cool to them. Or their stomachs, but a nice stab wound in a movie never hurt anyone. And if a half-naked woman showed up, the usual consensus was ' Joy, this is sooo, not going to be focused on the scare, is it?'

But the point IS, neither of them were particularly interested in the least about cars. Jun knew Ford, Chevy and Dodge, were major brands in America. Doesn't history class teach totally relevant stuff? Shouldn't they have been focused more on Hiroshima and Nagasaki or, or, or _Gackt_? Something _related_ to _Japan?_

So Jun knew that there were three major brands of car in North America, and Edo knew that a Kawasaki Ninja was a motorcycle, and the difference between the Impala and Jaguar symbols. Thanks to history class.

Both had understandably never seen the movie, despite their love of Horror movies worldwide. (Both being fluent in Japanese, French and English, along with a decent knowledge of Hungarian and German, meant their movie habit, wasn't very restricted.) They never felt the need to watch a car kill people. This one was all Jasmine.

"Well the movie is about a nerd fixing up a car, that goes on to kill people."

As she spoke the radio crackled to life playing Martha and the Vandellas 'No Where To Run' which was creepy in itself, until Jasmine, in the drivers seat, held up a key that was NOT in the ignition, proving the car was running on its own.

"How the hell do we fix this?" Edo hissed urgently

"Well, the movie didn't have a conclusive ending…" Jasmine trailed off.

"How so?" Jun asked hopelessly

"Well, the guy driving got killed after being tossed out and impaled on some glass, and his ex girlfriend and best friend bulldoze the thing and stick it in a compactor."

"How is that, in any way, inconclusive?" Dragonheart asks

"Well, as they leave, the camera zooms on the cube and the part that used to be the grill bends back into shape."

Edo proceeds to remove the seatbelt he didn't remember putting on and tries to exit the car for a full ten minutes.

After the failed escape he threw his hands up (Until they hit the low roof) and exclaimed "Jazz, It's all you. I got nuthin."

Jun nods in agreement as does Dragonheart.

* * *

The car was shooting down traffic like a missile, its occupants occasionally yelping or shrieking as it gets to close to another vehicle.

Dragonheart grips the door fiercely, "Cars and trucks and vans are bad with _people _operating them, this thing is like giving that blind, and deaf girl from America a bazooka!"

"You mean Helen Keller?" Edo gasped, curling strangely as they missed a truck by a hairs breadth.

"Yeah."

Edo would never ride shotgun in America again.

* * *

"We need to get out." Jasmine hisses "Vehicles can take punishment that would turn the human body into a bag of liquefied organs."

Jun paled

Jasmine tried fruitlessly to engage the emergency break. It failed. Most possessed cars don't accept user input.

The sound of breaking glass journeyed through the car prompting them all to look back at Dragonheart, or in Jun's case, look to the side.

She was laying with her head almost in Jun's lap and kicking at the window with the soft leather heeled boots she was wearing. As they looked she kicked out the remainder of the glass and looked up innocently.

"We need to jump perpendicular to the direction of the vehicle."

"Why perpendicular?" Edo asked

"Cause flinging ourselves under the rear tires is counterproductive to our survival."

"Also aim, for grass, sand or bushes, pavement and gravel will hurt and anything is preferable to a tree trunk."

* * *

Slightly worse for wear, our hero's escape the vehicle only to discover the vehicle galled for backup, Three other vehicles now circled them.

"I can't believe I'm saying this." Jun sighed "We need to split up. See that water tower?"

The others nodded in the affirmative

"Meet me there when the sun rises. Don't die."

* * *

Three minutes after leaving the others, Dragonheart was scaling a gravel covered hill after remembering wooden houses were to flimsy to do anything. Lets see that little car get up here!

* * *

Edo pitched down the rain slicked street at a breakneck pace, He wasn't aware of why it was only raining on this particular road, but the semi wasn't giving him the opportunity to do much other than dodge and turn down back roads.

Seeing a dam he hurriedly rushed to the far side to avoid the current, jumping the chain link fence, which was sure to be bowled through, and lunging into the water.

He grinned as the truck tried to follow and wound up sinking and breaking.

'_An eighteen wheeler can to many things.' _He reflected '_Apparently swimming isn't one of them.'_

* * *

Jun had tried another car to get away from the pickup chasing him, faulty engine, so he tried for a nearby forest, finding that the vehicle couldn't follow him.

He slowly began to make his way around the woods, to the water tower, since the vehicle seemed to have stopped.

'_I escaped the pickup' _He thought _'But to do so, I had to run into the woods. I guess now I just need to watch out for the 3,000 other things IN HERE trying to kill me.'_

* * *

Jasmine had run inside the local prison. Utility poles and radio towers weren't strong enough to hold out.

"Hey honey, wanna come closer?" One of the inmates asked lewdly.

"I would rather stick pins in my eyes." She said flippantly.

* * *

They did all manage to meat by the water tower, after rolling spikes down to shred the cars tires, the others had deactivated once escaped. With the exception of Edo's which was dead and waterlogged.

They had then lit it on fire.

Dead car.

* * *

They melted the car down to bits and pitched them into random bodies of water, taking great care to put large distances between each bit.

"How do we make sure this never happens again?" Asked a random townsperson

Jasmine turned to him

"1. Don't give your car a pet name. Its as dangerous as it is pathetic, now stop buffing the hood with a diaper and go find out what its like to kiss someone of the sex of your choosing.

2. Buy foreign. 97% of all evil cars come from America

And 3. Go two wheeling, dirt bikes, scooters and motorcycles fall over if they stop moving. An evil scooter only deserves to be laughed at."

And as she finished her speech, the world warped again.

* * *

**LOVE IT? HATE IT? REVIEW!**


	6. Evil Doll

**Me: Sorry it took so long, but a friend of mine lost the book and I need to go off of memory, I'm changing the title to How to Survive a Horror Movie Vol. I. Unfortunately the spelling/grammar errors are going to need to stay there, sorry guys, I probably will try and fix them. Anyway, this is the last chapter of this story, out of sheer necessity. Sorry again! When I get a new book, probably next month, I'll start the sequel, in which the gang will be reintroduced to the terrorverse.**

**Edo: She owns nothing, but a poll that is always on her profile she would like you to vote on. It helps her decide her next story.**

**

* * *

**

Dragonheart was on the ground, Edo was dangling off of a bunk bed, Jun was laying halfway down a flight of stairs and Jasmine was trying to get her foot out of a hose. (They later used a pocket knife)

"Which one is this?" Jasmine asked, as it didn't seem threatening.

"I really don't know." Jun replied, clicking the knife back into place before placing it in his pocket, and helping Jasmine to her feet.

Edo chose that moment to fly out of the house a few steps behind Dragonheart, both covering their heads as pans flew from the doorway, along with children's laughter.

"Evil doll." Edo admitted feebly.

"Oh."

* * *

They were all in the house now, trying to figure out how best to kill _Chuckie's_ evil cousin.

"OUCH!" Jun yelped and he hopped out of the hallway with a fork in his leg.

The others found him and asked what had happened. "I was checking the attic and I heard something, but the damn things so small, I didn't see him coming!"

Edo patted his shoulder when he finished bandaging his best friends leg "it's okay, we'll kill 'im, don't worry."

* * *

Dragonheart hit it with a shovel, then turned to leave, only to be turned herself by Edo "What are you doing? It's not down, hit it again!"

So she did. Then they threw it into a bathtub, and the circuitry sparked, effectively killing the doll.

Then the world warped to Duel Academy again.

* * *

"Well, that was an easy one." Jasmine said.

The others agreed, and they decided to post a lookout for Sartorius.

**THE END…FOR NOW**

* * *

I'm sorry bout this one**…**


End file.
